I will be using this page to record transcripts of relevant sections of films or TV episodes that I look at for my research.
My flatmate Leylah said I should include a picture of Pedro Pascal in this episode. So here he is :) (He is not the asexual one in this episode but he's very important to us as a flat)
Oberyn approahes Varys in the throne room.
VARYS:Prince Oberyn.
OBERYN: Lord Varys.
VARYS: Only Varys. I’m not actually a nobleman. No one is under obligation to call me lord.
OBERYN: And yet everyone does.
VARYS: You seem quite knowledgeable about the Unsullied. Did you spend much time in Essos?
OBERYN: Five years.
VARYS: May I ask why?
OBERYN: ‘Tis a big and beautiful world. Most of us live and die in the same corner where we were born and never get to see any of it. I don’t want to be most of us.
VARYS: Most of us aren’t princes.
OBERYN: You are from Essos. Where? Lys?
Varys looks surprised.
OBERYN: I have an ear for accents.
VARYS: I’ve lost my accent entirely.
OBERYN: I have an ear for that as well.
VARYS: Hmm.
OBERYN: How did you get here?
VARYS: It’s a long story.
OBERYN: One you don’t like telling people.
VARYS: People I trust.
OBERYN: My paramour Ellaria, she would find you very interesting. You should come to the brothel and meet her. We brought our own wine, not the swill they serve here. We have some lovely boys on retainer, but…
Varys looks unimpressed.
OBERYN: You did like boys before?
Varys shakes his head
OBERYN: Really? Girls? Hmm. I hope you won’t be offended when I say I never would have guessed.
VARYS: Not at all. But I was never interested in girls, either.
OBERYN: What then?
VARYS: Nothing.
OBERYN: Everybody is interested in something.
VARYS: Not me. When I see what desire does to people, what it’s done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it. Besides, the absence of desire leaves one free to pursue other things.
OBERYN: Such as?
They both look at the iron throne for a moment. Then Varys walks off, and Oberyn watches as he leaves.
Apparently the universe has taken pity on my sanity because the House episode is the only episode of TV I've watched so far where I was able to find a full transcript online, which meant I didn't have to watch the whole thing again!!! Yippee!!! Link to the transcript I took all this from here. Everyone say thank god for insane House fans online (coming from an equally insane fan of equally bad TV)
[Cut to an exam room in the clinic where Wilson is performing a physical exam on a pretty young woman. Her name is Kayla.]
Wilson : It could be a bladder infection. We'll run a pregnancy test.
Kayla : Oh, I'm not pregnant.
Wilson : Any type of birth control can fail.
Kayla : Not mine.
Wilson : Oh, I'm sorry. You said you were married.
Kayla : Yeah, happily.
Wilson : That's okay. Sex can wane in any marriage over time.
No, no. We've never had sex. Oh, we kiss and cuddle, but neither one of us is interested in sex.
Wilson [covering surprise] : You're… both celibate.
Kayla : No, neither of us. Celibacy is a choice. This is our orientation. We're asexual.
Wilson [looking down at his file, embarrassed] : Not quite sure what box to check here.
[Cut to the cafeteria. House and Wilson are having lunch together. Both are reading: Wilson, a psychology journal and House, a Japanese manga entitled バッド・メディスン (Bad Medicine vol. 9, Eat It.) FYI: It’s a fake.]
Wilson : You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual?
House : We really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it.
Wilson : I have a patient who's asexual.
House : Is she a giant pool of algae?
Wilson : It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least.
House : Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness weekly?
Wilson : She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years.
House : To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them.
Wilson : He's asexual too. Ran a complete physical on her. Nothing wrong except a common bladder infection.
[House puts down his manga.]
House : 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn't want to have sex.
Wilson : You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my patient.
House : Fine. I won't go near her. Just give me her file and any blood samples you have left over.
[House holds out his hand to shake on it. Wilson lifts a finger as he considers the bet.]
Wilson : No contact, whatsoever. You talk to her, the bet is void.
House : No contact. Plays to my strengths anyway.
[They shake hands.]
[Cut to the lab where Park and Adams are working on Wilson’s case because of House. He is sitting next to them, not doing much.]
Park : Why doesn't Chase have to be here?
House : You think he knows anything about women who don't want to have sex?
Adams : Hormone levels are normal. This woman seems perfectly healthy. What does it matter if she says she's asexual?
House : It's the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is. That last one may not be universal.
Park : How about damage to her spinal cord blocking the signals from her genitals?
Adams : Sex drive is in the brain. I suppose it could be psychological intimacy issues caused by childhood abuse.
House : She's been sharing a toilet with the same guy for the last ten years.
Adams : It's not the same. Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.
House : And that's why men always marry their right hands.
Adams : It's different for girls.
Park : No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. [House and Adams look at each other, surprised and speechless.] I live next to a Jewish frat.
House : We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.
Adams : This woman's life is probably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she's immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men.
House [chuckling] : Not a lot of them.
Adams : We've run every test and ruled out all the options. You're gonna have to accept she just doesn't want sex.
House : Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dead, or lying.
Adams : So maybe she's lying. You think she's had a boyfriend on the side?
House : For ten years? Sticking around the whole time? Doesn't make sense. [Thinking…] What does…? [He grabs his cane and leaves the room without a word.]
Adams [looking at Park] : 30?
Park : Everybody lies. [She heads out.]
Adams [still confused] : Higher or lower?
[Cut to the clinic. House is in an exam room with a man, probably in his 30s.]
House : I just gotta do a standard battery of tests. Blood, urine, EEG...
Man [surprised] : Is that really necessary for a free flu shot?
[Someone is knocking on the door.]
House : Excuse me. I have to deal with someone who's having a panic attack.
[House gets up and goes to the door to find Wilson there. He steps out of the room so they can talk.]
Wilson : I specifically said the bet was off if you contacted the patient.
House : Exactly. Never said anything about the patient's husband.
Wilson : The deal was a medical reason why she doesn't have sex
House : I admit I was stuck, until I realized the medical issue was not hers but his. She's lying to compensate. It's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy says, "I'm asexual." Girl says, "yeah, me too."
Wilson : Your twisted logic can't hide the fact that tricking a patient into being tested is completely unethical.
House : Come on. Don't you think she deserves to know why her husband won't bend her over the kitchen counter? You love all that caring crap.
Wilson : You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You're not even doing this out of medical curiosity.
House : I thought I made it clear I'm doing it for the cash.
Wilson : Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
House : How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?
Wilson : No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.
House : All right, I admit that my natural impulse is to doubt peoples' claims to happiness, but yours is to be a sucker for them. You tell me which one's worse. [He goes back into the exam room.]
[Cut to Wilson’s office. He is doing paperwork at his desk when House barges in.]
House : You lose. Blood work shows high levels of prolactin. [He throws the file on Wilson’s desk.] Add that to some peripheral red-green confusion, puts my money — excuse me, your money — soon to be my money, on a tumor near his pituitary. Probably started growing in his early teens.
Wilson [looking at the file]: Lowering his libido and causing erectile dysfunction.
House : A year on dopamine agonists, and he'll be a sex-crazed creep just like the rest of us, completely fascinated by Susie Cooper. I'd prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar.
Wilson : Hooray for us. We disproved his asexuality. We also probably ruined his life.
House : He'll thank us. Then he'll doze off, and then in a couple hours, he'll thank us again. [He sits down in front of Wilson.]
Wilson : It could destroy his identity. It's like a gay person being told they're really straight.
House : So don't tell him.
Wilson : Yeah, why bother telling a guy he has a tumor growing in his head? He'll notice it eventually, when it starts leaking out his ears.
House : It's a slow-growing tumor. He'll probably die of boredom long before that.
Wilson [pointing at House accusingly] : You always do this. You— you meddle and force me into impossible situations.
House : You knew the second you told me about this case that I'd get involved. You wanted me to meddle. Because no matter how much you wanted to believe in this chaste romance, you didn't buy it either.
[Cut to an exam room in the clinic. Wilson is with the young couple we have seen apart before.]
Man : How'd you even know to look for a tumor?
Wilson : Well, Dr. House noticed hormone levels in your blood, and consulted me as an oncologist.
Kayla : Who cares how they found it, okay? They found it. Are there any side effects to the treatment?
Wilson : Some nausea, dizziness, and as the tumor shrinks, there will be behavioral changes.
Man : Like what?
Wilson : Well… the tumor interferes with certain natural systems. Um… [Embarrassed] It - it lowers libido and causes erectile dysfunction.
Man : Eh… Y-you mean the treatment will, um… m-make me want to have sex? Wh-what if I don't want the treatment?
Wilson : I would strongly advise…
Kayla : You have a brain tumor, okay? You have to have the treatment.
Man : Okay, look, I know who I am, okay? And I'm not one of them.
Kayla : Hey, look, we'll adjust. Okay? We can go through this together.
Man : You mean have sex? I can't make you do that.
Kayla : Maybe it won't be so bad.
Man : It'll be terrible.
Kayla : It's actually pretty fun. From what I remember.
Man : But you said that -
Kayla: I know. I know. I wanted to spend my life with you. And I knew that meant making certain sacrifices. But a girl has needs.
[He sighs.]
[Cut to Wilson’s office. House is sitting on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. He is playing with a lighter when Wilson comes in.]
Wilson : MRI confirmed macroprolactinoma. He's doing the treatment.
House : And the wife?
[Wilson reaches for his wallet in the back pocket of his pants and pulls out the $100 bill. He hands it to House who takes out two cigars from the inside pocket of his jacket.]
House : Come on. You saved a man's life. Course-corrected two peoples' wildly screwed-up world views. It's not bad for a day's work.
[Wilson takes one of the cigars.]
Wilson : I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies.
House [putting the cigar in his mouth] : Most happiness is. [He turns on his lighter and sets fire to the bill] Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all. [House lights on his cigar with the flame emerging from the bill.]
Wilson : We can't smoke in here. [He sits down beside House and also uses the flame to light his cigar.]
House : We also can't summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world.
[They both get comfortable in the couch with their feet on the table in front of them as they smoke.]
House : Well?
Wilson : Disgustingly satisfying.
Good news everyone Shadowhunters is another show that already has full transcripts online! Everyone say thank you to insane fans of bad supernatural TV on the internet (again speaking as a member of that group. I did bring up ats in my Shadowhunters thoughts after all). Transcripts from here.
[RAPHAEL’S APARTMENT]
[Izzy and Raphael are laying cuddled up on the couch. Raphael is stroking Izzy’s hair.]
ISABELLE: Alec just doesn’t know when to leave me alone. He never has.
RAPHAEL: Your brother has nothing to worry about, Isabelle. Your happiness, your well-being… it’s all I care about.
[Izzy sits up.]
ISABELLE: That sounds like Shadowhunter blood talking.
RAPHAEL: It’s true. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long, long time.
[Izzy leans forward to kiss him, but Raphael turns away to Izzy’s wrist. Izzy pulls her wrist back and leans in again.]
ISABELLE: Kiss me.
RAPHAEL: It’s not like that. I’m… not like that. I’m just not interested in sex.
ISABELLE: Being a vampire made you this way?
RAPHAEL: No. I’ve always been like this.
[A ringing cell phone breaks up their moment.]
ISABELLE: It’s probably just Alec. Could you please turn it off?
Spooner and Zari are hanging out at a tavern in 1914 Sarajevo.
ZARI: I think we have a few minutes before the next try... so smash, marry, kill: Nate, Gwyn, Gary.
SPOONER: Um... No, not - not really into any of them.
ZARI: Copy. Okay, how about, uh... Sara, Ava, Astra?
SPOONER: Mmm... Not - not really into any of them, either.
ZARI: Also copy. Okay, what is your type?
SPOONER: I don't really get those types of feelings for anyone. Maybe it's one of those things those mushroom aliens messed up about me, huh?
ZARI: Hey, no, no, no. What you're describing is - is totally normal. It just means maybe you're ace.
Spooner looks confused.
ZARI: Asexual. People who identify as ace have little or no interest in sex, but many of them still want to be in relationships.
SPOONER: Wow, uh... I guess that makes me ace.
ZARI: OMG. Did you just come out to me?
SPOONER: I guess I did.
ZARI: Yeah?
SPOONER: Okay, well - okay, first of all, who would've thought you'd be the first person I'd tell?
ZARI: Not me.
SPOONER: (amused) Okay.
ZARI: Cheers.
They clink their glasses together and laugh. Astra and Behrad enter the tavern and see them.
BEHRAD: Hey, what's so funny?
ZARI: It's nothing.
SPOONER: I guess you had to be there.
They both keep laughing.
The good news keeps coming in! Hazbin Hotel ALSO has insane fans who've already posted complete transcripts of all episodes online! Transcripts taken from here and here!
Alastor has just shown the others the commercial he made for the hotel.
[Alastor turns off the television.]
Alastor: So, what do you think?
[On the couch, Charlie and Vaggie were surprised of the commercial being poorly misleading and very offensive to their nature, that Vaggie throws a fit at Alastor.]
Vaggie: I'm sorry. What the fuck was that?
Charlie: Uh, Yeah. One note, Alastor, I mean, first off, thank you so much for making this seriously amazing, but um, maybe the tone is a bit off. We want people to want to come here. This makes it look, um...
Vaggie: Bad. The word you're looking for is bad.
Alastor: Funny. I was going for hilarious.
Vaggie: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point.
Charlie: Vaggie is right Alastor, the commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them.
Alastor: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in hell for some time and everyone remembers me from my radio show, the proper medium to express oneself. But, you insisted on this noisy picture box advertisement.
[He taps the television twice with his microphone staff.]
Alastor: So, I had a little fun with it.
Vaggie: Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? (stands up) Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a week ago, you told us you would help run this hotel. Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's gonna wanna come to a place that a powerful overlord like you thinks is a waste of time.
[Angel Dust raises his hand from the couch, catching everyone's attention.]
Vaggie: What?
Angel Dust: If'n you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?
[Angel Dust takes a bottle with one arm before pointing all three arms at himself., but Vaggie doesn't like it.]
Vaggie: Angel, you're a porn star.
Angel Dust: A famous porn star! I'll have the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in.
Vaggie: We are not filming a porn as a commercial.
Angel Dust: Why not? Sex sells don't it? I swear if you film me going at it with Mr. fancy-talk-creepy-voice here, you'd be rolling in participants willing to stay at this tacky hotel.
[As he was explaining, Alastor appears right beside the couch next to Angel Dust and laughs with amusement.]
Alastor: Ha ha. Never going to happen.
[Alastor opens the door for charlie as they enter Rosie's Emporium, where they meet the Cannibal Overlord herself at her desk speaking to a young woman at the front of a long line.]
Rosie: Well who hasn't thought about eating their first husband? I certainly would have if he didn't taste so bad! Hehe, I tell ya what, you bring ol' tall dark and armless to me, and I'll straighten him right out, Okay sweetie?
*Rosie gives her card*
Rosie: Now here's my card a-
*Rosie notices Alastor*
Rosie: Oh, my, stars! Do my eyes deceive me? Alastor?
*Rosie makes her way through the crowd to Alastor and Charlie*
Rosie: Alastor! Where have you been??? These halls really lost some of their sparkle without your lively presence and-
*She notices Charlie*
Rosie: Oh. Who's this ya brought with you? Come now, Alastor, she's much too young for you!
*Charlie rolls her eyes*
Rosie (to Alastor): Oh I'm just kidding. I know you're an Ace in the hole!
Alastor: (Not understanding) A what now?
ABBI: He gave us placebos. Just children's aspirin - they're useless.
JUAN: He told me there was nothing to worry about.
TILDA: Yeah, well, he lied.
ABBI: It could be an accident. When I told him about my situation, he honestly seemed relieved.
JUAN: Your situation?
ABBI: When I entered the Wellness Program, my AGDS presented as steatocystoma multiplex. Benign cysts on my sebaceous glands, and some geneticists postulate that our sebaceous glands generate pheromones, which I think I can now prove, because my pheromones seem to be in hyperdrive!
The other two look at her blankly.
ABBI: People can't help but get aroused by me.
TILDA: That was a long way across the stage to tell us you smell sexy.
ABBI: It can be a little more complicated, if you're ace.
The other two look at her.
ABBI: I'm ace.
TILDA: Copy that.
Juan starts sniffing Abbi.
ABBI: No!
JUAN: You don't smell sexy.
ABBI: You shouldn't do that.
JUAN: You smell kind of lemon-y.
ABBI: You're not turned on by me?
JUAN: No. No, no.
ABBI: I wonder why you're immune. How did your AGDS present?
TILDA: Didn't you have like a vestigial tail or something?
JUAN: No, no, that was another guy. I was the... Yeah, well, it doesn't matter what I was. What matters now is that I'm the... I'm the Terror of Tacoma.
TILDA: What?
JUAN: Last night, I... I blacked out and... turned into this.
He shows the other two a photo on his phone. Tilda laughs in suprise.
ABBI: Whoa! You're a werewolf.
JUAN: No, I'm a chupacabras.
TILDA: Yeah. Well, my AGDS was messing with my hearing and vocal cords. Now I hear everything, and I can do this.
She sings a note, and it makes glass shatter.
JUAN: At least you got an actual superpower. That's kind of cool!
TILDA: No. It's not cool. My ears hurt all the time from the noise, and I can't sing anymore. But as Troy McClure says, "Sweet liquor eases the pain."
She takes a drink from her flask, then points at Juan.
TILDA: A chupacabra, (points at herself) a banshee (looks at Abbi) and... a succubus?
ABBI: Better than Jill Nye.
TILDA: Chupacabra, a banshee, and a succubus meet in a park.
JUAN: What's the punch line?
TILDA: We are?
Tilda can hear Abbi and Hannah having a conversation outside the room.
TILDA: Someone's totally crushing on our girl.
JUAN: Sarkov and Burke?
TILDA: Abbi and Hannah. Sarkov and Burke sound like a science class.
JUAN: Oh, Abbi, Abbi.
TILDA: Abbi's telling Hannah she's ace. And that is the correct answer, Hannah.
JUAN: What did she say?
TILDA: Uh, noow they're talking about, uh, cells, proteins, a new experiment...
JUAN: Abbi and Hannah?
TILDA: Sarkov and Burke, dumbass.
JUAN: Oh, oh, okay.