Todd is leaning against a wall with Emily. Emily is texting.
EMILY: Hey, Todd, I think you just got a text.
Todd pulls out his phone.
TODD: (reading text) Who do you like, question mark, colon, bracket?
EMILY: That's a smiley face, homeslice. So who do you like?
TODD: I don't like anyone.
EMILY: That's ridonkulous. You have to like someone.
TODD: If I have to, I guess, uh Kimber?
EMILY: Ugh. Everyone likes Kimber. That's like saying you like Fergie.
TODD: Well, who do you like?
EMILY: I'm not allowed to like anyone. My dad is real strict. Do you know The Sopranos?
TODD: The show, or that weird saxophone that Kenny G plays?
EMILY: The show, about the guy in the mob. That's what my dad does.
TODD: Whoa! Hey, speaking of mobs, we gotta bounce if we're gonna make that flash mob at the Grove.
Man, I love flash mobs.
EMILY: And I love you - (awkwardly cutting herself off) Ubisoft's Assassin's Creed It's a new video game.
Emily gets onto her skateboard.
EMILY: Okay, let's go flash mob.
Emily skates off and Todd runs after her holding his own skateboard.
TODD: Whoo! Flash mobs!
Todd and Emily are kissing in Emily's parents' room.
TODD: Are you sure it's ok to be in your parents' bedroom?
EMILY: Todd, so we've been together for months now. Um, I was thinking maybe that we try sex?
TODD: (uncomfortable) Uh...
EMILY: We don't have to, if you don't want to. I don't wanna peer pressure you at all.
TODD: (awkward) No. I'm ready for sexual situations.
EMILY: (awkward) Um...
TODD: (unsure) Hooray. Um, taking your virginity?
EMILY: Yeah, sure. That's how I would say it.
TODD: (still seems uncomfortable) Okay, here we - Here I go. Uh, this is Todd... doing sex.
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
EMILY: Did you hear that? Oh, snap. My dad's home early. You gotta get out of here.
TODD: Your dad, the mobster?
EMILY: What? My dad's not a mobster
TODD: You said he was like that guy from The Sopranos.
EMILY: I said he works on The Sopranos. He's an editor.
TODD: Oh, God, oh, God! Even worse. He must be so desensitized to violence and nihilistic ruminations on the banality of evil.
Todd and Emily are sitting at a table at a rehearsal dinner. Emily is writing notes and Todd is drinking a cocktail through a curly straw.
EMILY: Alright, so to do a soft launch, I think we'd only need about ten cars. That way I could work out any bugs with the app.
TODD: You really know what you're talking about.
EMILY: So, do you think your girlfriend would get jealous if we started this project together, or...
TODD: Oh, God, this is so embarrassing for you, but I actually don't have a girlfriend. That's a really weird assumption for you to make. You look really dumb right now.
EMILY: No, actually, I was kinda hoping you weren't seeing anybody. I'm also not seeing anybody, for what it's worth.
TODD: Ohh.
BoJack comes up to their table and puts his arms around both of them.
BOJACK: Hey, Todd, you must be a real cool dude if a movie star just wants to hang out with you for no reason. Anyway, just wanted to give you a key to the room I booked for us, which nobody is in right now. (winking at Todd) Winkity dinkity.
TODD: (clearly uncomfortable) BoJack...
BOJACK: Maybe you two should just go see if the bed works, you know. A lot of these rooms have faulty beds.
EMILY: That's a great idea.
TODD: (still clearly uncomfortable) Uh, yeah. Okay, let me just finish this cocktail real quick.
Todd slurps up the rest of the cocktail.
EMILY: (perturbed) Uh...
BOJACK: All right, Todd! Yeah, go!
Todd stands up.
TODD: Ahh! Cool, I'm just gonna get one or two more drinks and then we'll go check out that bed.
EMILY: (confused) Okay?
Todd walks away from the table and off to the bar.
Emily uses a card to unlock the door to the hotel room. Todd turns around and sees a laundry cart behind them.
TODD: Uh, hey, laundry cart Want to hide in sheets and pretend we're ghosts?
EMILY: No, Todd, I don't want to pretend like we're ghosts. I want to go in the hotel room and fool around. Do you?
Todd laughs awkwardly.
TODD: I don't know, Emily. Uh, you're pretty drunk.
EMILY: No, I'm - I'm not. I'm not drunk at all.
TODD: Oh, well, I'm pretty drunk.
EMILY: Yeah, but it seems like you're -
TODD: You know, maybe I should just go to bed. I'm, uh, I'm feeling kind of sick.
EMILY: (disappointed) Oh, yeah. Okay.
TODD: But, hey, it was really great seeing you.
EMILY: Yeah, it was great seeing you too.
TODD: Yeah, yeah, good night.
He goes into the room and slams the door behind him, leaving Emily outside.
Emily sighs.
EMILY: (confused) What?
Todd and BoJack are talking in BoJack's house.
BOJACK: What the hell, man? After everything I've done for you?
TODD: What are you talking about?
BOJACK: Oh, I don't know. Letting you live here for free for six years? Giving you food, indulging you in your little projects and adventures and stories about how you used to bang on your butt like a bongo drum? I let you turn my house into your company's headquarters for the last month.
TODD: Yeah, but that's not because you're my friend, that's because you felt bad about Emily.
BOJACK: (surprised) You know about Emily?
TODD: (uncertain) I think I know. Why? What do you think I know? I mean, I know what I think, but I don't know if the thing that I think is the thing that you think I know, you know?
BOJACK: So, you know I had sex with Emily?
TODD: (shocked and angry) You had sex with Emily?!
BOJACK: Well, what did you think?
TODD: I don't know! Not that! I just knew something sketchy happened. I thought maybe you gave her one of your weird monologues about how sad you are, and it bummed her out!
BOJACK: Todd, I'm sorry, all right? I screwed up. I know I screwed up. I don't know why -
TODD: (angry) Oh, great! Of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!
Close up on BoJack, who appears to be talking to Todd.
BOJACK: Todd, I'm sorry. I want to take full responsibility for what happened, even though it is not my fault and I did nothing wrong. Emily is an adult woman who can make her own choices. And besides, are you even really into girls?
Zoom out to show BoJack is actually just talking to a random kid who is dressed the same as Todd.
BOJACK: I mean, what is your deal?
KID: Uh....
DAD: Hey, what are you doing with our son?
BOJACK: Uh...
DAD: Wait, you're BoJack Horseman.
BOJACK: I am, and this is my best buddy Todd.
Todd and Emily are eating at a diner together.
TODD: So, what are you gonna do with your eight million dollars?
EMILY: First, I'm gonna get a really fancy hat, like, really fancy. Then, I'm gonna get a T-shirt that says, "Hey, look at my hat".
[both laugh]
EMILY: What about you?
TODD: I've always wanted to go to a super nice restaurant and order everything on the menu.
EMILY: Oh, yeah! That's, like, first day millionaire stuff.
TODD: We should go sometime, together.
EMILY: Todd, can I ask you something?
TODD: Of course.
EMILY: What's your deal? I feel like you like me, but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is. Are you gay?
TODD: Whoa. Why would you even -
EMILY: You can tell me if you're gay. It's fine. This isn't the 1600s, or some places in the present.
TODD: I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but I don't think I'm straight, either. I don't know what I am. I think I might be nothing.
EMILY: Oh. Well, that's okay.
TODD: Yeah?
EMILY: Yeah, of course.
Todd and Emily are eating at the same diner they had their last conversation.
TODD: You know what I'd do if I had eight million dollars?
EMILY: Yeah, you'd give it to the waitress.
TODD: Oh, no, no, no. I mean, if I had eight million dollars now. I'd start a company that makes remote-controlled drones. But these drones have a seat hanging from the bottom so you can fly around in it. A drone with a throne. A drone throne.
EMILY: But if you're in it, isn't it not a drone?
TODD: I feel like you're getting really hung up on labels.
EMILY: Well, anyways, with my eight million dollars I'm starting a new dating app just for firemen and redheaded women named Emily.
TODD: Aww, you don't need an app, just hang out with me.
EMILY: Todd, you're great...
TODD: What a way to end a sentence.
EMILY: But I want a boyfriend, who isn't asexual.
TODD: Whoa. What - Why did you call me that?
EMILY: No, no, it's not bad. I didn't mean it -
TODD: Well -
EMILY: - negatively. I was just, like -
TODD: You know -
EMILY: - stating it.
TODD: I'm not - that word doesn't describe -
EMILY: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, whatever you call yourself, you're my friend and I support you. But sometimes labels can be helpful.
TODD: Wow. Well, I would label this conversation rough.
Todd is being carried through the sky by a drone, clutching a giant bag of kettle corn (IT MAKES. SLIGHTLY MORE SENSE IN CONTEXT I PROMISE.
TODD: Oh, simple kettle corn. Between the worlds of the sweet and the savory. Not quite popcorn, not quite candy. What are we?
A bird flies up and starts trying to eat the kettle corn.
TODD: Hey, get away! Get, get!
The bird chokes on some of the kettle corn and falls out of the sky.
Todd is being sworn in as governor of California by an Otter politician. (AGAIN. IT MAKES SENSE IN CONTEXT I PROMISE).
TODD: (with his hand on the bible) So help me Todd.
OTTER: Congratulations, Governor Chavez.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD]
TODD: You know, ever since I first became governor I've thought, "I don't want to be governor" and that's where I am now. So, can I not be governor?
[GASPING FROM THE CROWD]
OTTER: You'd like to resign?
TODD: Yeah. I'm just really not into labels right now. Maybe after some soul searching I'll be ready to really know what I am. But for right now, I think I speak for all Californians when I say, "I ate too much kettle corn while drifting through the sky on an out of control drone throne".
Woodchuck walks up to them.
WOODCHUCK: Okay, is this charade over? Can I be governor again?
OTTER: Sir, we live in a society of laws. When a governor resigns, that triggers a special election. Until which, the governor's seat shall remain vacant.
Todd is talking to Princess Carolyn in her office. They're discussing PC's client, actress Courtney Portnoy.
PC: The public sees her as out of touch. We need to make her seem relatable, and the best way to do that is to be seen dating a down-to-earth boring nobody like yourself. You can do that, right? You're not doing anything.
TODD: (sounds unsure) I'm kind of busy today. I gotta pick up these glasses, and then tonight there was this meeting I wanted to go to.
PC: This will take no time, I promise. Meet her for lunch. The paparazzi will show up, pop some razzis.
TODD: I do love getting my picture taken. It's proof I exist.
Todd is on a date with Courtney at a bar.
TODD: So, uh, what's it like being a movie star?
COURTNEY: It's awfully trying. Do you ever feel like everyone's looking at you - but nobody sees you?
TODD: Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!
COURTNEY: No, I was speaking rhetorically about a feeling that only movie stars get.
TODD: Ohh. Okay.
COURTNEY: But it feels good to talk about it.
TODD: Yeah. Talking's good. You know, there was a meeting I was supposed to go to tonight, but I don't think I'm gonna go. I don't know if I'm ready.
COURTNEY: Ready for what?
TODD: I mean, What if it's not everything I want it to be? Sometimes the idea of something is better than the truth, you know?
COURTNEY: I always prefer fiction to truth, personally. I've staked my career on it.
TODD: Yeah, that makes sense.
Two paparazzi birds pop up from behind the bar and start photographing them.
PAPARAZZI 1: Ha hah!
PAPARAZZI 2: Smile for the birdie. Hey, Courtney, you canoodling with a supermodel now?
COURTNEY: That's right.
PAPARAZZI 2: Fancy. I love how not down-to-earth you are together. This is going to really make headlines when you two break up.
COURTNEY: Here's an even bigger headline: we shan't be breaking up. We're engaged!
TODD: Uhhhh....
PAPARAZZI 2: Wowee!
TODD: Hooray! I'm confused?
Cut to BoJack's house. Todd enters the house.
ODD: Hollyhock? Are you here?
BOJACK: No, but BoJack, who lives here, is here.
TODD: BoJack, I gotta tell you, um...
BoJack starts pouring himself a drink.
TODD: Hollyhock is your daughter.
BoJack fills up the glass and starts spilling the drink, but is too shocked to stop pouring.
BOJACK: What do you mean?
TODD: She's your daughter.
BOJACK: I don't understand.
TODD: She has Horseman DNA.
BOJACK: What does that mean?
TODD: You're her father.
BOJACK: That's impossible. I'm BoJack.
BoJack finally stops pouring.
TODD: She didn't want me to tell you, but I thought you should know.
BOJACK: I guess I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be my daughter either.
TODD: BoJack...
BOJACK: I mean, Look what I do to people I'm supposed to care about. I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you be in love with.
TODD: I guess they're not gonna put you in the best friends hall of fame, but I don't know that I loved her. You know, I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.
BOJACK: Don't say that. You do so much for everybody and all you ever asked for was a roof over your head and the occasional s'more in a baguette.
TODD: I'm telling you, it's a million-dollar idea.
BOJACK: I got more of you than I ever deserved. If you never talk to me again I just want you to know that I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.
TODD: Thanks. It was shitty what you did with Emily, but, um, I think I'm asexual.
BOJACK: A sexual what? Dynamo, deviant? Harassment lawsuit waiting to happen?
TODD: No, asexual. Not sexual.
BOJACK: Ohh.
TODD: I'm sure you think that's weird.
BOJACK: Are you kidding? That's amazing. Sometimes I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes.
TODD: You have multiple strains -
BOJACK: Yeah, I know I have multiple strains, but the joke only works with the a.
TODD: It actually feels nice to finally say it out loud. I am an asexual person. I am asexual!
BOJACK: That's great. So if you're not mad about Emily...
TODD: It wasn't just Emily, BoJack, and I don't know if I'm ready for us to be friends again yet.
BOJACK: Oh. Okay.
TODD: But we can be more than not-friends.
BOJACK: You know, for an asexual, more than not-friends is probably as good as it gets, right?
TODD: Yeah, I'm not really at a place yet where I wanna joke about it.
BOJACK: Got it, got it, totally.
TODD: But it feels good to talk about it.
BOJACK: Well, if you ever need a place to crash, that couch -
TODD: I'm gonna go.
BOJACK: Oh. Right now?
TODD: Welcome back, BoJack. It's good to see you.
Todd leaves the house.
BOJACK: Uhhhh... Hmm.
The doorbell rings.
BOJACK: Todd?
Hollyhock opens the door and her and BoJack look at each other in silence.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC HAS STARTED PLAYING]
Cut to a different bar from earlier. Todd walks into the bar and waves at someone. Cut to see who Todd is looking at, and we see a group of people next to a sign reading "Asexual Meet-up: All Aces Welcome!" One of the people beckons Todd to join them.
Cut to the orchestra Todd is supposed to be playing with. The piece is coming up to the last note, but the note doesn't play, and we see that Todd's seat is empty. Some of the other musicians gasp, but a lion musician smiles.
LION: Hmm. Good for him.
Cut to credits.
Princess Carolyn, Courtney Portnoy, and producer Lenny Turtletaub are having a meeting to discuss the recent mass shooting that they fear may affect the opening of Courtney's new gun-heavy action film.
PC: Ugh. That is not good.
LENNY: Okay. Everybody set a Google Alert for "mass shooting". Can't keep getting caught off guard like this.
COURTNEY: This is so sad. You always hear about mass shootings affecting other people's movie openings, but you never think they're gonna affect your movie opening. Of course my thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families.
LENNY: Of course. Yeah, thoughts and prayers.
PC: Thoughts and prayers.
Pan out to show Todd is sitting next to Courtney, wearing a paper hat.
TODD: Tragedy like this really puts things in perspective. Like, what are we doing sitting in a conference room? Life is short. We should have this meeting at a water park. Whoa! A water park where people have meetings! Maybe that's the movie.
LENNY: I'm sorry, who is this schmuck?
TODD: I'm Courtney's asexual fake fiance.
COURTNEY: He's a common person-slash-supermodel, being engaged to him makes me appear more approachable-slash-glamorous.
LENNY: Okay-slash-whatever.
Todd is at another asexual meet-up, talking to some other ace people.
ACE PERSON: So, they're airing an F.H.B.A. Miami marathon this weekend. Does anyone want to come over?
[Chatter from the group]
TODD: Oh, I actually have a big announcement. (awkwardly) I'm marrying Courtney Portnoy this weekend.
ACE PERSON: Oh!
Some of the group applaud.
OHN: Wow! Great, Todd. Good for you.
ACE PERSON: That's amazing.
TODD: I know it's pretty wild for an asexual to get married, but -
ACE PERSON: Not really. John and I are aces and we're married.
TODD: Really?
JOHN: Yeah. Our wedding was nautical-themed.
TODD: Why nautical? Is that, like, an asexual thing?
JOHN: No, man. We just really like boats.
ACE PERSON: Asexual just means you're not interested in sex. Some asexuals are also aromantic, but others have relationships like anyone else.
TODD: But involving boats?
JOHN: I feel like you're getting really hung up on the boats thing.
TODD: So, it's not weird for an ace to get married?
ACE PERSON: No, if you found someone who really accepts you for who you are, go for it.
TODD: I will! I mean, I am. I mean, am I?
Todd is meeting at the diner with Yolanda from the Better Business Bureau to discuss the business he set up. She gives his file a stamp of approval.
YOLANDA: Well, you did it. You made a better business.
TODD: We did it. Between your no-nonsense approach and my the-regular-amount- of-nonsense approach, we make a pretty good team.
YOLANDA: Yes. I'm going back to my job, but if anything happens here and you need me, or if you just wanna hang out again, grab a drink, you should call me sometime.
TODD: Oh, um, I should tell you, I'm actually asexual.
YOLANDA: Yeah, I know. So am I. That's why I'm asking you out.
TODD: Oh! Uh, okay.
YOLANDA: Okay. Goodbye.
Yolanda stands and walks off.
TODD: Huh.
Pan out to reveal that everyone else in the diner (except Yolanda) is dressed the same as Todd (THIS WAS SET UP BY THE SHOW EARLIER LOL)
Todd and Yolanda are on a double date with Emily and Emily's new boyfriend, Steve.
EMILY: So, you're the famous Yolanda.
YOLANDA: I am not famous. You might have me confused with another more famous Yolanda.
EMILY: I know, I-I just meant because Todd talks about you so much, I feel like you're famous.
YOLANDA: Oh, well, that was not clear.
EMILY: Okay. Todd, why don't you say things now?
TODD: Steve, you still fixing up your truck?
STEVE: You're thinking of Emily's old boyfriend, firefighter Steve D'Marco. Yeah, I'm firefighter Steve D'Mazio. We're very different. But I do have a truck, and I'm fixing it up. So, thanks for asking.
EMILY: I created a dating app for firefighters to meet me.
YOLANDA: Looks like it worked.
EMILY: (laughing) Yeah.
TODD: Hey! We should create a dating app for asexuals.
STEVE: Why would asexuals want a dating app?
YOLANDA: Well, not all asexuals are aromantic.
STEVE: (confused) Uhhhhhhh....
TODD: Think of it this way. One could be: A) Romantic, or B) Aromantic, while also being A) Sexual, or B) Asexual. So you could be BB, or BA. As for me, see AB, see?
STEVE: (still confused) Uhhhhhh.....
TODD: So, even within the one percent of the population that's asexual, there's an even smaller percentage that is still looking for romantic companionship.
YOLANDA: Seems like a pretty thin user base for an app.
TODD: But without it, asexual romantics might end up settling for just whatever other asexual romantics they might meet, (looks upset) even if they have nothing else in common.
EMILY: Well, anyway -
YOLANDA: (testy) Yeah, but maybe it's good if they have nothing in common because then they can help each other grow and change, and become fuller, more well-rounded people.
TODD: (awkward) Yeah, that's true.
EMILY: So, Todd, are you still doing that rabid clown-dentist exercise thing?
TODD: Oh, no, that whole thing kinda fell apart when the clowns got loose...
Menacing music plays. The camera plans to each character in turn. They all look worried, except for Steve, who's still just confused.
STEVE: Huh?
Yolanda comes in to Todd's office at whattimeisitrightnow.com HQ.
YOLANDA: Are you ready to go?
TODD: Yeah. Sorry, I didn't realize how late it got. (oblivious to the huge number of clocks surrounding him) If only there was an easy way to keep track of what time it is right now. I'll go change.
YOLANDA: No, keep your suit on. My parents are gonna be impressed I'm dating an executive.
TODD: Cool! I've never impressed parents before.
YOLANDA: I believe that. Listen, I haven't told my family I'm asexual, so it might be best if, for tonight, we just pretend we're sexually active.
TODD: I mean, it's a family dinner What are the odds they're going to ask questions about our sexuality, right?
Ominous music sting plays
YOLANDA: (obviously hiding something) Right...
TODD: (cheerfully oblivious) Right.
YOLANDA: (still obviously hiding something) Yeah...
TODD: (still cheerfully oblivious) Yeah.
Todd and Yolanda are having dinner with Yolanda's family.
YOLANDA: Todd is the president of ad sales.
YOLANDA'S MUM: Mm, look at you.
YOLANDA: And he went to a really good college.
TODD: I did?
YOLANDA'S DAD: That's very impressive. I'm afraid we don't know a lot about the world of big business. As I'm sure Yolanda has told you, I'm but a humble, best-selling, erotic novelist and my wife is a world-famous, adult film star, and Yolanda's identical twin sister, Mindy, is a sex advice columnist.
TODD: (obviously lying) Wow! Yolanda told me all of that. That's all really great information, that I was already privy to.
DAD: Well, the important thing is that Yolanda is happy and she's finally found a man, woman, or object to have sex with.
YOLANDA: Todd is very accomplished at sexual intercourse. Aren't you, Todd?
TODD: Yeah, I'm the best at the sex. Hooba hooba.
Yolanda's family all look horrified.
MUM: Are you trying to say hubba hubba?
TODD: Uh...
MINDY: You know, Todd, I have a bit of a reputation, myself.
Mindy puts her leg in Todd's lap under the table and Todd leaps up.
TODD: Whoa!
Yolanda also gets up.
YOLANDA: Okay, we should be hitting the road.
MUM: Oh, but you must stay for erotic dessert.
TODD: You know, I saw the erotic dessert in the kitchen. Who knew you could make such a realistic anus out of marzipan?
MUM: You can thank my husband for that. He posed for the baker.
TODD: Wow, you know, it really puts the "um" in "yum".
DAD: I insist you spend the night and make love in my home.
YOLANDA: Uh...
MUM: I know I can't think of a reason you wouldn't want to have sex in your parents' house. Unless, you don't enjoy sex.
Todd and Yolanda both look panicked.
YOLANDA: No! Of course we'll spend the night, and fornicate.
Yolanda is sitting on her bed with her head in her hands. Todd walks into the room.
TODD: I'm not sure I want to wear the pajamas your dad gave me.
He reveals that the pajamas are, in fact, a gimp suit.
YOLANDA: I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.
TODD: Is it just me or was your sister flirting with me?
YOLANDA: Ugh, when we were in high school, I was still trying to figure out my sexuality, so I dressed as Mindy, and tried to seduce her boyfriend.
TODD: Hmm.
YOLANDA: I quickly realized I wasn't into it, but Mindy found out, and now that I have a boyfriend, she probably wants to have sex with you to get revenge. Typical sister stuff.
TODD: I thought sisters were doing it for themselves. I mean, what does she need me for?
Yolanda's mum knocks on the door.
YOLANDA'S MUM: Todd, can you help me move some furniture? My husband has a hernia.
TODD: Yeah, I know, I noticed in the marzipan.
Cut to the mum's room. Todd enters.
TODD: So, what, uh, furniture do you want me to -
Yolanda's mum drops her robe to the floor.
TODD: Oh, no! Your garment fell! This must be so embarrassing for you!
MUM: Just as I suspected. You're not sexual at all.
TODD: Like heck I'm not!
MUM: Any ordinary man would be madly aroused by the body that starred in every single porn version of a John Hughes movie: Sixteen Cans, Titty in Pink, The Breakfast Chub, Homo Bone...
TODD: I gotta go.
MUM: Cum Kind of Wonderful, Penis Bueller Gets Off, Planes, Trains and Autoerotic-mobiles...
Todd tries to sneak back to Yolanda's room, but Mindy grabs him and drags him into her room.
MINDY: When the cock crows midnight, meet me under the old willow tree in the backyard for sex.
TODD: Zoinks!
Cartoon sound effect as Todd slips out of Mindy's grip. He runs out of her room and back into Yolanda's.
Mindy laughs.
Cut back to Yolanda's room. Todd enters.
TODD: Okay, quick update. Mindy wants to meet me for backyard sex at midnight, and your mother knows I'm asexual. She showed me her boobs.
YOLANDA: Please tell me you said, "Awooga!"
TODD: Oh, I didn't!
YOLANDA: Oh, no! She'll disown me! We gotta convince her you're super horny.
TODD: How?
YOLANDA: If Mindy told my mom that you made a pass at her, that would prove you're not asexual. Here's the plan. We'll wait until the cock crows midnight.
TODD: Who is this cock?
YOLANDA: When she's at the backyard, I'll sneak in her room and wear her clothes. Then I'll pretend I'm Mindy and tell my mother you made a pass at me.
TODD: Okay, this sounds a little complicated, but I think I can handle exactly this amount of complication as long as things don't become one bit more complicated.
A cockerel runs past Yolanda's family's house.
COCKEREL: It's midnight! And I'm the cock!
Cut to inside the house. Mindy sneaks out of her room.
MINDY: Here I come.
Mindy giggles.
Yolanda sneaks out of her room and into Mindy's.
YOLANDA: (under her breath) Okay.
Yolanda's mum sneaks out of her room and laughs.
Cut to Todd in Yolanda's room. Yolanda's mum enters.
TODD: Ah! Mrs. Buenaventura!
MUM: I was trying to understand how someone could be like you, so I did a little research. Did you know a computer can do more than just find porn?
TODD: I use my laptop to flatten pie dough.
MUM: This concept of asexuality intrigues me. I've grown tired of the whole world thinking of me as a sex object. For once in my life I would like to have a close, intimate experience that has nothing to do with sex.
She grabs the front of Todd's shirt.
MUM: Asexualize me like one of your French girls, Todd.
TODD: Gulp! (note: he literally just says the word "gulp")
Cut to Mindy's room. Yolanda has just switched into Mindy's clothes, and runs out, but accidentally leaves her sweater vest in the room. Mindy enters.
MINDY: I can't believe he didn't show up. Only makes me want him more.
Mindy goes into her room and finds the sweater vest Yolanda left there.
MINDY: Hmm...
Cut to Yolanda knocking on the door to her mum's room.
YOLANDA: Mom, are you there? It's me, Mindy. You can tell because I'm dressed like a slut, as usual.
DAD: (from the ground floor below) Mindy, come down here. I have a question only you can answer.
YOLANDA: Oh, okay.
Cut back to Yolanda's room.
TODD: If you really want to be asexual, first, you have to put on every piece of clothing you own. That's how we make sure we don't look sexy. So, leave me and go do that.
Yolanda's mum heads out of the room.
MUM: Very well, but I'll be back to not have sex with you. Ooh, I'm getting less excited just thinking about it. Hoo-hoo! Hooba hooba.
Cut to outside the room. Yolanda's mum walks back to her room.
MUM: Ooh!
Pan down to Yolanda and her dad on the ground floor. Her dad is opening a safe.
DAD: I need some advice, Mindy.
YOLANDA: That's me. I'm definitely Mindy.
Her dad opens the safe to reveal a large barrel.
DAD: So you keep saying. Look, I'd like to give your sister Yolanda this.
He pulls the barrel out of the safe.
DAD: The last barrel of your great grandmother's secret recipe personal lubricant. As you know, when a Buenaventura is about to make love for the first time in our home, we always give them a barrel of the family lube.
YOLANDA: Uh, well...
DAD: Antique lube of this purity is worth at least $100,000.
YOLANDA: (suddenly very excited) Awooga!
Cut back to Yolanda's room. Mindy enters dressed as Yolanda.
MINDY: Hello, baby, it's me, your girlfriend Yolanda. I came to ravage you.
TODD: There's something different about you, but I can't put my finger on it.
Yolanda enters dressed as Mindy, accidentally opening the door so that it slams Mindy into the wall.
YOLANDA: Todd, take off your pants and get in bed.
TODD: Wait. What?
YOLANDA: My dad is about to give us very expensive lube just for having sex in this house.
TODD: And which sister are you?
Yolanda notices Mindy.
YOLANDA: What the hell are you doing in here?
MINDY: Todd, tell Mindy to get her ass out of here, so we can get nasty.
YOLANDA: I'm Yolanda! Get away from my boyfriend!
MINDY: Don't listen to her, Todd. I'm clearly Yolanda because I'm dressed like a dumb loser.
TODD: I'm so confused. I'm Todd, right?
YOLANDA: Maybe, this'll clear things up. Mindy's the one who's about to die!
Yolanda leaps at Mindy.
Cut to outside the room. The dad is carrying the barrel up the stairs. We can hear shouting and banging sounds coming from inside the room.
DAD: Oh, dear, I'm too late. They're already having sex.
He sighs.
DAD: They don't need the lube.
YOLANDA: (from inside the room) Ouch! That hurts!
DAD: Or maybe they do need the lube!
Yolanda's mum comes out of her room wearing all her clothes.
MUM: Ha! Can't see me now, world.
DAD: Angelica, as I jizz and breathe, what the hell are you wearing?
Yolanda and Mindy crash through the door while fighting and knock over the barrel, spilling the lube.
DAD: Oh, no! The lube!
He runs to try and save it, but slips and falls down the stairs.
DAD: Oh! That's too slippery!
Todd comes out of Yolanda's room.
TODD: Oh my god!
Yolanda's mum also slips on the lube and nearly falls off the landing, but Yolanda and Mindy catch her.
MINDY: Oh, no! Our grandma's sexily spinning in her grave.
DAD: Todd, you gotta save the lube! Just plug the hole with your erect penis!
TODD: What? No.
DAD: It's the only thing that'll fit the hole perfectly.
TODD: There has to be another way.
DAD: Surely it's erect since you've been just having sex with my daughter, so unless you've been deceiving me, this whole time, in my own home, there's no logical reason, for you not to whip out your erect penis and plug the damn hole!
YOLANDA: Todd, the lube!
Todd gets on one leg and starts taking off his shoe, while hopping around slightly.
TODD: You know, I'm gonna try my big toe. That's the penis of the foot.
YOLANDA: Oh, God, be careful!
While hopping he crashes into the barrel.
TODD: Whoa! Look out!
YOLANDA: No! Whoa!
Todd knocks the barrel further and falls over, sending himself, Yolanda, Mindy, and their mum falling off the landing.
[all shouting]
The barrel rolls to the edge of the landing.
MINDY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
DAD: I can't look!
ALL: No!
The barrel falls off the landing and shatters as it hits the ground floor.
There's a pause and then the whole family yell and leap at each other.
Yolanda and Mindy are fighting. Yolanda's dad is chasing Todd around the ground floor.
DAD: Interloper! You ruined our family heirloom!
The dad pushes Todd and he slides on the lube through the door into the dining room, around the dining table, back into the hall where the fight is happening, and finally out through the front door, which Yolanda's dad slams.
TODD (while this is happening): Ah! I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Yolanda rips off Mindy's arms and starts hitting her with them (IMPORTANT CONTEXT NOTE: YOLANDA AND HER FAMILY ARE ALL AXOLOTL PEOPLE SO THEIR LIMBS CAN GROW BACK. THAT'S THE JOKE)
YOLANDA: That's for trying to trick Todd into having sex with you!
Mindy starts trying to strangle Yolanda.
MINDY: And that's for having sex with my boyfriend in high school!
YOLANDA: I never had sex with him!
MINDY: Yes, you did! The whole school knew about it.
YOLANDA: No, I didn't. I was going to, but I ran away because I'm [shouting] asexuaaaaaaaaal!
The family gasp.
Cut to a title card reading "ONE THOROUGH BUT RESPECTFUL DIALOGUE LATER"
Cut to Yolanda and Todd driving back.
YOLANDA: You know, it felt good to finally tell them.
TODD: I was surprised how cool they were with it.
YOLANDA: Yeah, I kind of forgot that despite our differences, they're my family and they love me.
TODD: So, I guess all that sneaking around was completely pointless.
YOLANDA: Hey, you're right! What a silly waste of time!
There's a pause. Todd suddenly looks upset.
TODD: Hey, can I ask you something?
YOLANDA: Of course.
TODD: Why did you tell your family I went to college?
YOLANDA: Oh, I don't know, I guess I just wanted you to seem impressive.
TODD: Impressive to who?
YOLANDA: Todd...
Yolanda sighs.
YOLANDA: To whom.
Todd sighs.
TODD: Yolanda, we need to break up.
YOLANDA: What?
TODD: The only thing we have in common is that we're asexual. I'm sure there's a guy out there for you, 'whom''s smart and accomplished and 'whom' went to college -
YOLANDA: And also doesn't want to have sex?
TODD: Yeah. Probably.
YOLANDA: But what if there isn't?
TODD: Well, then let's make a deal. How about if neither of us meet anybody else by the time we're a hundred, we give this another shot?
YOLANDA: (amused) When we're a hundred? I don't know. Are you gonna steal my dentures and use them to build some sort of motorized nutcracker, but then the nutcracker's AI becomes self-aware and leads all the other dentures in the nursing home in a toothy revolt?
TODD: I wanna say no, but probably yes.
Yolanda sighs.
YOLANDA: Well, then, I guess I'll see you when we're a hundred.
Emily walks into Todd's office.
EMILY: Hey, Todd.
She sighs and flops onto the couch at the side of the room.
TODD: You okay?
EMILY: I broke up with my fireman.
TODD: Not Steve!
EMILY: No, no, no, not Steve. It was Doug.
TODD: Not Doug! Forgot there was a new one!
EMILY: I am so done with these sexy noble hero hunks. The sex is great, but the emotional connection just is not there.
TODD: It was the same with me and Yolanda. No emotional connection, but the no-sex was amazing. None of the best sex I ever had.
EMILY: You know, I was actually thinking about that. Remember that idea you had about the dating app for asexuals?
TODD: Nope!
EMILY: Yeah, here we go. Ta-da-da-da!
She hands Todd her phone and he looks at the app loading screen, which reads "All About That Ace", and has a picture of Todd's face in the middle.
TODD: All About That Ace?
EMILY: You should get yourself out there. You were the best boyfriend I ever had. If only there was a version of you I could have sex with, I'd be all set.
TODD: Whoa, Emily. I just got a crazy idea.
EMILY: (excited) What?
TODD: A restaurant where the menus are printed on garlic bread, so after you order, the first course is the menu!
EMILY: (disappointed) Oh.
Emily is in Todd's apartment, which has the lights off and is full of candles. Todd is wearing a robe.
TODD: Thank you for coming, Emily.
EMILY: (laughing) What's with all the candles? Why are you wearing a robe?
TODD: Oh, I blew a fuse earlier, so I had to light candles. That took a while, and then I didn't get to change.
EMILY: Oh.
TODD: Hold that thought.
EMILY: The thought of "Oh"?
Todd walks over to a huge mysterious object covered by a tarp.
TODD: That's right. Because you're gonna need it when you meet your new best friend...
EMILY: Uhhhh....
Todd pulls off the tarp to reveal a huge sex robot made mostly out of household appliances.
EMILY: Whoa!
TODD: Henry Fondle!
EMILY: What?
TODD: He's a sex robot!
EMILY: What?
TODD: So, you can stop dating all those boring guys and still have sex!
EMILY: Stop me if you've heard this one. What?
TODD: And guess what! I even recorded dozens of sexy robot phrases for it to say at random intervals!
HENRY: I am Henry Fondle. Insert me into genitals!
EMILY: Why did you do this?
TODD: To show you that I care about your needs.
HENRY: My prime directive is to pleasure you.
EMILY: Todd, I'm not sure you understand how sex works.
TODD: That is so condescending. I know what sex is. I am not a child. I'm just not great at building robots. This is my first one, and frankly, I think it's pretty impressive I put it together in one afternoon.
HENRY: I love it when you call me Father.
Henry accidentally knocks over one of the candles, setting the tarp on fire.
EMILY: Whoa! Oh no!
TODD: Oh no! My wacky scheme backfired as always!
Emily starts trying to smother the fire with a cushion.
EMILY: No!
A fireman has just finished extinguishing the fire Henry Fondle started.
EMILY: Ooh! Thanks, Doug.
DOUG: I'm not here for you. I'm here because I respect the art of putting out fires.
TODD: I'm really sorry, Emily.
EMILY: It was a sweet idea.
TODD: I guess I just thought you waste so much time with these boring firemen just for the sex.
DOUG: Eh?
EMILY: Doug, some privacy, please?
DOUG: Okay.
Doug leaves the apartment.
TODD: Maybe I figured if you had some other way to satisfy yourself sexually, then you could spend more time with me. Like we did in high school.
EMILY: Todd, we were dating in high school.
TODD: Do you ever think about what it would be like if we dated now?
EMILY: I don't know. What would it be like?
TODD: I guess we'd hang out together, like we already do. And you would be my favorite person, like you already are. And when something good happened to me, like if I got a promotion at work, you'd be the first person I'd tell, and you'd smile and say, That's my boyfriend.
EMILY: Well, that could be cool. But then I would have sex with the robot?
Henry continues to roll around the apartment.
HENRY: Boop! Boop! Boop! Oh!
Henry squirts purple goo at them from a garden hose that's attached to him.
Emily sighs.
HENRY: Hooray.
TODD: I guess it's not ideal.
EMILY: You know, when I was putting the app together, I learned that some asexuals actually do have sex. Do you... think that there's a chance...?
Todd folds his arms and looks uncomfortable.
TODD: Hmmm.
EMILY: Okay. Well, you got any other ideas?
TODD: Hmm. What about if marbles were cube-shaped, so they don't roll away as much?
EMILY: No dice.
Also sorry I feel like I'm not adequately conveying through text what Todd's sex robot looks like. This is Henry Fondle:
Todd is on the phone with BoJack.
TODD: Hey, buddy.
BOJACK: Hey, listen, I'm -
TODD: You're probably wondering about Georgette, the newest member of Team Chavez.
BOJACK: Nope.
TODD: Since I've started taking care of Ruthie full-time, that hasn't given me a lot of time for regular Todd business, and stuff's been falling through the cracks.
BOJACK: So, you hired an assistant?
TODD: Well, yes, but assistants are like Deadpool movies. I couldn't just stop at one, even though I probably should have. Now I have 12!
Pan out to see all of Todd's assistants hanging around his apartment.
BOJACK: You hired 12 assistants? To assist you?
TODD: Yep, I've got Bella trying out new goofy dances, Pedro's monitoring all the Five Guys franchises to make sure each one has the right number of guys, and Silvia's in charge of checking All About That Ace every 15 minutes.
BOJACK: What is All About That Ace?
TODD: My asexual dating app. I think I might be the only one on it. But another ace could join any day now. And when that happens, two of a kind.
BOJACK: Well, I guess that makes about as much sense as the rest of it.
BoJack and Todd are meeting at the diner.
BOJACK: Thank you for meeting me here. I can't be at my house. Just reminds me of what an asshole I've been.
TODD: Makes sense. Your house reminds me of what an asshole you've been, too.
BOJACK: Uh... what are you doing?
TODD: I'm updating my asexual dating profile with some fresh pics. There's still no one else on the app, but when they join, I wanna be ready. Look at this busted photo. It's from over a year ago.
Todd shows BoJack the photo. It is one hundred percent identical to how Todd looks now.
BOJACK: Yeah, you gotta stay current.
TODD: Oh, man, they always ask for your job. Oh, I actually have a job! Hype man for babies!
BOJACK: You've really taken to this nanny thing, huh?
TODD: I love it! It's so amazing to hold a baby and look at it sleep and think "This is a perfect thing".
BOJACK: I can't imagine.
TODD: It's weird to think that at one point, someone held me in their hands and thought, "I'm going to love this kid forever", you know? What happened?
BOJACK: What happened to what?
TODD: I don't know. Moms are weird, right?
BOJACK: Um... Yeah, moms are weird.
BoJack is waiting to be served at a bakery at the airport. The server, Maude, is in an argument with an ex boyfriend.
EX: Is it like a Jesus thing?
MAUDE: No, it's not that. I told you.
EX: I'm just confused, is all, because I thought you liked me.
MAUDE: I do, but I was very clear there are certain things that I'm not interested in.
EX: So, why did you go out with me in the first place?
MAUDE: Because I like you! But it's complicated.
EX: And you're sure it's not a Jesus thing?
MAUDE: Fine, if it helps end this conversation, yes, it's a Jesus thing.
EX: Hey, I admire your devotion. What would Jesus do? Not this guy.
The ex leaves, and Maude turns to BoJack.
MAUDE: It's not a Jesus thing.
BOJACK: I figured. I don't wanna presume anything, but there's an app you might be interested in.
MAUDE: An app?