To my tutors I would just like to state for the record I am not happy about some of the things I had to transcribe for this either. Heartbreak High is a very sexual show and at certain points while transcribing this I did mildly want to blow myself up out of second hand embarrassment. But I did it anyway. Because I care. Also some of the second hand embarrassment wasn't even about the show being explicit it's also just a bit cringe sometimes. It's ok it's a teen show and I love it both because of and in spite of the cringe.
Amerie, Darren, and Quinni are picking up rubbish.
AMERIE: How is there this much rubbish in our school?
Darren points at some rubbish.
DARREN: Oi, over there.
Amerie sighs and walks off to pick it up. Darren throws something on the ground as another student, Jenny, walks past.
JENNY: You're making more of a mess.
DARREN: Shut the fսck up, Jenny.
Jenny storms off. Quinni abandons her rubbish bag and goes over to Darren. Amerie also goes up to them.
QUINNI: What's going on with you? You're more... Darren than usual.
DARREN: Sorry, it's... I'm getting mixed signals from Ca$h.
AMERIE: Sounds like it's going well.
DARREN: He hasn't made a move. Okay, we kissed and it was hot. Except it should have been more and it wasn't.
AMERIE: Maybe he just wants to take things slow. Is that so weird?
DARREN: Ew! Yes! Oh my God! Only serial killers take things slow, Amerie. Grow up.
AMERIE: You grow up.
QUINNI: Both of you grow up.
DARREN: Sorry. It's just... I'm like... I'm like really hоrny like all of the time.
AMERIE: Same, babe.
QUINNI: Have you tried talking to him? You could ask him on a date!
DARREN: No, no. I just got a cold shiver up my spine.
AMERIE: Mmm. Alternatively you could just pull him into a classroom and force him to have sеx with you.
DARREN: Yes, that option.
QUINNI: Not that option!
Ca$h and Darren get into Ca$h's car together.
CA$H: Never played poker before, eh?
DARREN: Hey, if I won every time, they wouldn't have me back.
Ca$h laughs.
CA$H: Yeah. Well... I'm sorry that our date was ruined.
DARREN: So it was a date. That's cool.
Darren kisses Ca$h, but as it escalates Ca$h is clearly uncomfortable. Darren realises something is wrong and pulls away, looking upset.
DARREN: See you at school.
Darren gets out of the car.
CA$H: Uh, okay. Bye.
Darren walks away, upset. Ca$h hits the steering wheel in frustration.
Cut to Darren hanging out with Quinni and Sasha at school.
DARREN: I don't get him. I was closer to having sеx with an actual 80-year-old man than I was with Ca$h. It was perfect. The stars aligned. And then he just chickened out.
QUINNI: Hey, maybe he had to go home?
DARREN: I wasn't asking him to repaint the house. It's sеx. We could've done the poop hole loophole in five minutes.
QUINNI: Is that a thing?
DARREN: I just made it up.
SASHA: Hey, look. Maybe he just needs an incentive.
DARREN: I could give him a 15% off at work.
SASHA: No! No, what the fսck? Just send him a nude. Show him what he's missing out on.
DARREN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're so right. This isn't me.
SASHA: Mm-mmm.
DARREN: I'm being a frigid little bitch. I'm an unattainable jellyfish!
QUINNI: Yes, you are!
DARREN: I'm an A-grade dіck destroyer!
SASHA: Exactly.
DARREN: I'm an actual home wrecker!
QUINNI: Wait, an actual one?
SASHA: No, babes.
DARREN: But it can't just be any regular nude. It needs to be the most fսckеd good nude in all of history.
QUINNI: Oh... Like, now?
DARREN: Study can wait, Quinni. Sеx can't.
QUINNI: Oh. Okay, I didn't know that.
Darren and Ca$h are at Ca$h's house. Darren puts a record on and music starts playing.
DARREN: Am I crazy or did you leave me on read today? You could've sent a thumbs-up emoji or a thumbs-down, to be honest.
CA$H: Yeah, I-I'm sorry. And it wasn't a thumbs-down. Major thumbs-up.
DARREN: I know.
CA$H: (awkward) I've never been sent a nude before.
DARREN: What?
CA$H: Yeah. I've never even taken a nude before.
DARREN: Oh, my God. Maybe you really are a serial killer.
CA$H: (more awkward) Nothing that exciting. I'm just that guy. This was my attempt.
He hands Darren his phone. Darren looks at the photos Ca$h shows them.
DARREN: (laughing) No. Sorry, Ca$h, these are tragic.
CA$H: I don't know how you took such a good photo. It was like professional quality.
DARREN: Oh, I barely even tried.
Darren laughs.
DARREN: I'm gonna kiss you.
They kiss. Suddenly the music cuts out as Ca$h stops them.
CA$H: Can we just stay here in this moment? Is that okay?
DARREN: Okay.
CA$H: Will you stay tonight?
DARREN: (nodding) Okay.
They lay down together.
CA$H: I'm tired.
Ca$h seems to fall asleep, but Darren seems troubled.
Cut to the next morning. Darren wakes up in bed next to Ca$h. They kiss him and we see their hand move under the covers. This wakes Ca$h up and he panics.
CA$H: Darren. Darren. Darren. Stop. Stop. I don't want that right now.
DARREN: You don't want me.
Darren gets out of the bed and starts getting dressed.
CA$H: No, it's not like that.
DARREN: What the fսck is this? What am I even doing here? I'm beginning to think you're just like everyone else.
CA$H: I'm not like you, Darren. I - I know what you want. I can see it every time you look at me. I'm just not wired that way.
DARREN: Bullshit, Ca$h. You're just a fag who doesn't want to be a fag and you're taking it out on me. How fսcking original.
CA$H: I'm not using you. I just need some time and maybe a bit of fսcking patience.
DARREN: Ha! I've been patient. And really understanding and really fսcking nice to you, but I'm done. You know I think there might be something really fսcking wrong with you, Ca$h. Go use somebody else to figure it out.
CA$H: Well fսck you, then!
Darren storms out of the room and slams the door.
Cut to outside. Darren storms out of the house and walks down the street, trying not to cry.
DARREN: I'm literally the hottest thing this side of the bridge and he's treating me like a foot fungus. Ca$h is officially expired.
QUINNI: Maybe he just doesn't like boning it up as much as you do.
DARREN: Oh please, have you seen who he hangs out with? If those eshays aren't dealing drսgs, they are wheeling. With their dicks.
QUINNI: Not everyone functions the way that you do. And besides, you guys haven't even had a conversation about what you're both looking for yet. That's something that Sasha and I did when we first started dating.
DARREN: Aw. Or I could just get shit-faced and forget he ever existed.
Ca$h is sitting out in the hallway at school. He sighs heavily. Darren comes out of one of the classrooms to join him.
DARREN: Hiding out here because your outfit's so bad?
Ca$h laughs.
CA$H: I didn't know eshay was your type. I know you think I'm scared. But... I'm not. I'm just... trying to figure shit out. That's all.
DARREN: (upset) Do you not want to have sеx with anyone or just me?
CA$H: Anyone.
DARREN: Have you tried it, though?
CA$H: What do you reckon?
DARREN: Well maybe it was just bad sеx or with the wrong person -
CA$H: (cuts them off) I - I don't feel the same shit as you, Darren.
DARREN: Okay, but you kissed me. And I know you can get a hard-on...
CA$H: Yeah. I like kissing you, but when it becomes more, I just... I don't get the urge to go any further. And if I do, it's not... enjoyable.
DARREN: Okay. Well, maybe we can try a way where you would like it. Take it slow.
Ca$h sighs.
CA$H: What's the longest you've ever gone without having sеx with someone?
DARREN: I don't know, like... Two months.
CA$H: (tearful) And so you'd be... totally cool... if we never did it at all? Like, ever. I don't want to mess this up. Can we be friends, Darren, please? I want us to be friends -
DARREN: (cutting him off, also tearful) Okay, friends. I can do that.
Darren gets up and leaves. Ca$h wipes away tears and thumps his head against the wall in frustration.
Ca$h is walking home and finds Darren waiting outside his house.
DARREN: I figured out your superpower.
CA$H: Yeah?
DARREN: Invisibility. You have the power to be in class one second, and the next...
Darren clicks their fingers as Ca$h sits down next to them.
DARREN: Vanish into light air. I've been looking for you.
CA$H: Um...
DARREN: I know I haven't been the best... person recently. I've been a pile of rats in a trench coat really. But I've thought about it, and I know we can make this work.
Ca$h stands up and walks away from them.
DARREN: I know you think I'm gonna run away, but I'm not.
CA$H: That's not it.
DARREN: Yes, it is. I know you think you have to be... alone or that no one will love you for who you are, or what you want or what you don't want. But I will. I want this. I want you more than anything. I'm in.
CA$H: (sniffs) Me and you... We should just stop wasting each other's time.
DARREN: So that's it? You won't even try?
CA$H: (tearful) I can't.
DARREN: (tearful) Can't we just try -
Ca$h walks into his house and slams the door.
The students (other than Ca$h) are in the sexual literacy class being taught by Jojo.
JOJO: So, I'd like us to complete the following sentence. No wrong answers, okay? "Some people might choose not to have sеx because..."
SPIDER: They're fugly.
Police sirens blare in the background. Ant gets up to see what's going on.
JOJO: Oh please, for the love of God, someone other than Spencer.
We see Ca$h sprint past the classroom window.
ANT: Oi, It's Ca$h!
The students all get up and run to the windows to see police cars arriving.
JOJO: I didn't say you could leave your seats. Everyone please sit -
Ca$h bursts into the room.
JOJO: Better late than never.
DARREN: (to Ca$h) What did you do?
CA$H: I love you, Darren. I've loved you since Year 8. And the only good thing about coming to this shithole every day is seeing your face.
DARREN: Are you serious?
Ca$h nods.
SPIDER: Aw! Darren wants Ca$h's eshay baby.
QUINNI: Shut the fսck up, Spider!
DARREN: (sobbing) I love you too.
They run to each other and kiss. Suddenly the police burst in and drag Ca$h away.
DARREN: Oh, my God!
CA$H: It's okay, Darren. I love you. I love you, Darren.
The police drag Ca$h out of the classroom.
CA$H: Okay, I'm going. I'm going, okay?
DARREN: (sobbing) Idiot.
The students are playing "Never Have I Ever" at school camp
AMERIE: Oh. Never have I ever done anal.
OTHER STUDENT: Ohhhh...
Darren chugs their drink and the others cheer and laugh. Then Ca$h also starts drinking, more discretely, and glances over at Darren.
HARPER: (pointing at Ca$h) Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
The others all exclaim, surprised.
SASHA: Shit!
Darren and Ca$h look at each other awkwardly.
In Ca$h and Darren's room, Ca$h climbs down from his bunk and into Darren's
CA$H: Oi, are you okay?
DARREN: Let's just... go to sleep.
Ca$h kisses Darren. As they're kissing, he moves his hand under the covers, and Darren immediately stops him.
DARREN: Wait, wait, wait.
Darren moves away.
DARREN: (worried) What are you doing?
CA$H: Giving you what you want.
DARREN: What do you want?
Ca$h tries to kiss them again but Darren turns away.
DARREN: Let's just... Let's just go to sleep.
Ca$h sighs.
Darren is standing out in the woods, trying to get a phone signal. Cash comes up to them (I'm giving up on writing his name with the dollar sign fuck that).
CASH: Hey.
DARREN: Hey.
CASH: Hey, can we, like, debrief?
DARREN: About what?
CASH: About, you know, uh, the bunk bed last night.
DARREN: Nothing happened in the bunk bed. We were drunk. It wasn't right.
CASH: Why... Why do I feel like you're about to explode?
DARREN: Cash, I don't wanna talk about this now.
CASH: Oh my days. I don't get it. You spend all this time trying to take things further and the second I try, you reject me.
DARREN: Reject you? How do you think I feel knowing you're doing it to pity me?
CASH: Darren. Darren, I don't pity you - I love you! Can we just talk about this for two sec-
Cash stops talking as he and Darren spot a bunch of (presumably magic) mushrooms growing on the ground.
Cash and Darren are sitting out by the lake and talking.
CASH: I know it's tough, but if we're gonna be in a relationship, we've gotta learn how to talk to each other. Especially about the hard stuff.
DARREN: It's just that game we played last night, kind of threw me. I didn't know you'd done all that stuff - sеx stuff. Guess I felt jealous. Like, why them and not me?
CASH: I want to find a way that works for both of us.
DARREN: I don't want you to be uncomfortable.
CASH: No, Darren, that's... That's impossible. You've only ever made me feel comfortable. You let me be myself. You're my soulmate, Darren.
DARREN: You're mine.
They kiss.
DARREN: I want you to lead. Tell me what you want.
CASH: I want you to touch yourself.
They keep kissing while Darren masturbates.
CASH: I want you to cսm. I want you to cսm for me.
Darren gasps, and then the two of them start laughing.
CASH: I love you.
DARREN: I love you so much.
Darren and Cash are walking back to where the other students have set up camp. Darren takes hold of Cash's arm.
DARREN: Was last night okay for you?
CASH: Yeah. You?
DARREN: Mm-hmm.
They laugh. Cash kisses Darren on the cheek and Darren puts Cash's arm around their shoulder.
Darren and Cash are at the house they've started renting with Harper. Darren is trying to decide where to put up a photo.
CASH: Here.
Cash takes the photo and puts it up on the wall. We see it's a photo of the two of them.
DARREN: I love it. I really love it.
They kiss. Darren undoes the zip of their jeans, and Cash immediately backs away.
DARREN: Oh, my God, I'm so - I'm so sorry. Was that not okay? I'm sorry, I thought we found our thing...
CASH: Uh... No, no, no. We have. Sort of... Um, I just... I don't know, like, it's - it's not something that... I'm gonna want to do all the time.
DARREN: Right.
CASH: Is that okay?
DARREN: Yes, of course. Um... Uh, we need to have a think about what we're gonna do for this housewarming tomorrow night.
Cash comes up to Darren in the library and holds out his phone.
CASH: The passcode's 2207, it's Darude's birthday.
DARREN: What is this?
CASH: Check all my messages, my call history.
DARREN: Cash, I'm not going through your phone.
CASH: It'll prove I'm not hiding anything else! [OH YEAH CONTEXT OR WHATEVER THEY'RE HAVING A FIGHT OVER CASH DOING ONE LAST JOB WITH HIS ESHAY FRIENDS TO TRY AND GET OUT OF THE GANG]
DARREN: I wasn't at Mum's. I was at St. Brunos. The dorms.
CASH: With that private school guy you used to...
DARREN: Jacob? No. Well, uh, I did go there to see him, but I bumped into Dusty instead.
CASH: You've been staying with Dusty?
DARREN: Random, I know.
CASH: Please tell me you didn't hook up.
DARREN: No. All we did was smoke some weed and talk shit and play video games.
CASH: Oh, for two fսcking days?
DARREN: Nothing happened, I promise. I'm not his type.
CASH: What would have happened if you'd found Jacob instead?
DARREN: I didn't. So... I'm sorry, I guess we both did a shitty thing and now we can move on.
Darren puts their book down forcefully.
DARREN: We're even.
Darren walks away.
Cash confronts Dusty in Dusty's room.
DUSTY: Nothing happened, man. I don't know why you think I'd go there.
CASH: Maybe 'cause you have a track record of fսcking people when they're vulnerable.
DUSTY: Okay. I was just helping out a mate.
CASH: You and Darren aren't mates.
DUSTY: We were best friends in Primary School.
CASH: That was ages ago.
DUSTY: Yeah, so don't you think if something was going to happen between us it would have already? Look that wasn't our first sleepover. Like all we did was hang out and talk.
CASH: About what?
DUSTY: You. Darren says you're ace.
CASH: Fսck you, that's... Maybe. I dunno.
DUSTY: Look, Darren's way into sеx. They always have been. Those sleepovers we'd have, we'd... we'd play with my Transformers and all they'd want to do is make Optimus Prime blow Bumblebee.
CASH: Well, we've found ways to make it work.
DUSTY: Yeah, for you. Not so much for Darren.
CASH: Fսck does that mean?
DUSTY: It means that they're watching pοrn before breakfast and staying up for a wank when you're asleep.
CASH: They told you that?
DUSTY: Yeah. They're struggling, man. Look. All I'm saying is don't you think it's a little bit selfish asking them to give it up?
CASH: Fսck this.
Cash stands to leave.
DUSTY: Hey, wait. How's... Har - How's everything at Hartley?
CASH: I broke your lock, so you'll wanna get that fixed.
Cash leaves Dusty's room. He stands out in the hallway for a few seconds, trying not to cry.
Cash comes up to Darren while they're washing their hands in the bathroom.
CASH: I know you didn't hook up with Dusty.
DARREN: Right. I'm sorry for being a bitch yesterday. I promise -
CASH: Darren. I obviously can't give you what you need.
DARREN: Um, yes. Yes, you can. What we're doing is enough for me.
CASH: Then why did you go looking for sеx?
DARREN: Um... I was... drunk and hоrny. You made me feel bad and I wanted to feel good.
CASH: I get it. You should feel good. It's... It's fսckеd of me to expect you to shut that part of yourself off.
DARREN: I am trying.
CASH: Don't. It's who you are. That's why I love you. But while we're together, you'll never be free to be that person.
Darren sniffs.
DARREN: You're breaking up with me?
CASH: We'll be happier as friends.
DARREN: We tried that and it didn't work.
CASH: (trying not to cry) Well, this... isn't working either, so...
DARREN: I can change, I want to change...
CASH: Darren.
DARREN: If sеx is killing our relationship, I... I will kill sеx. I will find a way to stop wanting it. Ca$h, you're all I want. How can I prove it to you?
CASH: You can't.
Cash walks away. Darren sniffs, trying not to cry.
DARREN: Fսck.
Darren walks up to Zoe, who is playing badminton. [CONTEXT: Zoe is the leader of a group of students who want to discourage the other students from having so much casual sex.]
DARREN: Wow, Zoe. You're really dominating that shuttlecock.
ZOE: Yeah, good sweat helps purge the edge, eh?
DARREN: Um... Could it... Could it help me? I, um... I need to learn how to not want sеx.
ZOE: Shit, guys, it's happening. It's happening! Code red!
Zoe's friends gather around.
ZOE: We've been waiting for you.
Amerie sees Darren hanging out with Zoe's group.
AMERIE: (confused) What in the Hillsong...?
Amerie walks up to the group. Zoe spots her.
ZOE: Oh, God.
AMERIE: (pretending to pray) Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.
Amerie drags Darren away from the table.
DARREN: Amerie! My cards!
AMERIE: I know breakups are hard, but what the fսck is this?
DARREN: I lost Ca$h because I can't control my urges, but maybe if I try hard enough, we can get back together and everything will be okay.
AMERIE: No. No, no, no. This is not it. You need to get your shit together.
DARREN: Amerie, this is me getting my shit together.
Darren looks back over at Zoe and smiles and waves. They start clicking their fingers at each other.
AMERIE: (grabbing Darren's hands to stop them from clicking) No, no. Don't you fսcking click!
DARREN: Amerie! I don't know what else to do. Goodbye, Amerie.
They go back to sit with Zoe. Amerie looks baffled.
Cash is giving himself a stick and poke tattoo of a broken heart.
CASH: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Cash's Nan bursts into the room.
CASH: Oh, my God!
NAN: You're going.
CASH: No, I'm fսcking not.
NAN: You fսcking are. You've been at that school for 50 bloody years and you haven't been to a formal once. I just want one photo, one photo of you in your suit.
CASH: Well, I can't, okay? I - I can't- I can't go there and face Darren.
His nan sighs and sits down next to him.
CASH: It's not fair. I... I would do anything. Why does it have to be the one thing, you know, like - like the one thing I can't change about myself?
NAN: Well, Dougie, everyone's walking around with a poo in their pants.
CASH: Jesus, Nan.
NAN: I'm serious. Everyone has something. You and Darren have been living in your own romantic novel. Now, you're hitting the real stuff, the gooey center, the problems. No relationship is a smooth sail. It's about wanting to know what you're willing to fight for.
CASH: I don't know. I just... I feel like someone's always gonna be making a sacrifice if they'd be with me.
NAN: There's all kinds of ways to love someone, to be with someone. You don't have to play by other people's rules. And to be honest, that was never your style anyway.
Cash leans his head on her shoulder.
Cash arrives at the school formal. He looks around and sees Darren with Zoe's group, as Zoe is giving an inspiration speech to them. He walks over and grabs Darren.
ZOE: We are Puriteens. And even if they tear our hearts up, even if they're spitting in our faces, we spread the message. Yeah!
CASH: Are you sniffing glue? What are you doing with this lot?
ZOE: Hmm?
Darren turns to talk to Cash.
ZOE: What?
DARREN: (to Cash) Being accountable.
CASH: No, Darren. Look, I... (to the rest of the group) No offense. (back to Darren) This isn't you.
DARREN: But it can be. It's not just about sеx with me, Ca$h.