HANK: Brian, do you wanna go to dinner at my mom's house tomorrow?
BRIAN: Don't believe I can, I'm gonna be busy. I'm asking Voodoo to dinner. Italian.
HANK: Voodoo?
JOHNNY: Um... uh, Bri, Voodoo doesn't really do dinner dates with guys. She's, um...
HANK: She not like other girls.
BRIAN: I know. It's why I like her.
JOHNNY: Yeah, she's not like other humans.
BRIAN: I know, she's different.
JOHNNY: Yeah, different. Dark. Very dark.
HANK: Very.
BRIAN: How dark?
HANK: Like Darth Vader with tіts dark.
BRIAN: I love how I never know what she's gonna say next.
JOHNNY: I know exactly what she's gonna say next, which is "Brian, I'm never, ever having sеx with you."
HANK: She's asexual.
JOHNNY: Mm-hmm.
BRIAN: Meaning?
JOHNNY: She doesn't have sеx.
BRIAN:With?
HANK: Anyone.
BRIAN: Never?
JOHNNY AND HANK: Uh uh.
BRIAN: (disappointed) Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah
HANK: Yeah, look, I don't have the imagination to make up a sеxual pathology that strange and that boring.
BRIAN: Maybe she just hasn't met the right guy yet.
JOHNNY: Well, she met Johnny Depp outside of Gibson's steakhouse last year.
BRIAN: And?
HANK: She said he looked clammy.
BRIAN: (perturbed) Oh.
JOHNNY: [Breathing like Darth Vader] Kiss me, Brian.
Hank laughs
[Both breathing like Darth Vader]
HANK: Kiss me, Brian. I am your father.
BRIAN: Asexuality is actually a very interesting phenomenon. I did some pretty extensive research last night.
JOHNNY: Oh, of course you did.
BRIAN: It's like this whole new movement. They have a society with a manifesto and everything. They even have a symbol.
JOHNNY: What is it, a limp penis reading an encyclopedia?
[Johnny and Hank laugh]
BRIAN: It's a grey triangle.
HANK: Jesus.
JOHNNY: What?
HANK: I thought the rainbow was bad.
JOHNNY: Oh.
HANK: You want my honest opinion? You dodged a bullet, Bri.
JOHN: Yeah, yeah, Voodoo's crazy. Even if she was sеxual, you'd probably wind up tied up in a dungeon with an old Pantera T-shirt stuffed in your mouth.
[Johnny and Hank laugh]
DISPATCHER: [over radio] Chicago North. Ambulance requested. 3906 West Byron.
HANK: Ambulance 14 responding.
BRIAN: I'm not giving up on this, 'cause I tell you, guys. Whenever I'm around her, I get butterflies in my stomach.
HANK: Those aren't butterflies, Brian. That's the very real fear that your body parts will be found in several pieces of antique luggage.
[Johnny laughs]
HANK: [Doing a Darth Vader impression] Climb into the suitcase, Brian.
BRIAN: Well, the force is strong with this one.
[Hank laughs (mockingly)]
JOHNNY: What? You're such a dork.
HANK: Geek.
BRIAN: Well, you guys were the one doing the Star Wars thing.
JOHNNY: We're making fun of it.
HANK: We're making fun of Star Wars.
BRIAN: Why would you make fun of it? It's an amazing trilogy.
JOHNNY: Can you imagine how much time you'd save if you never had sеx?
BRIAN: Yes.
HANK: What would you do with it?
BRIAN: Well, I'd try to channel my thoughts. I'd think about how lucky we are to live in this great country of ours, and about my parents and world peace, and all the poor and impoverished people out there. You?
JOHNNY: Pretty much the same thing. Minus the parents and the world peace... And the... what was the first thing?
[Hank Laughs]
BRIAN: So you just think about sеx all day long?
JOHNNY: Not while I'm eating. Oh, that's a lie. I just thought about Rosario Dawson's ass.
HANK: Mm. Why?
JOHNNY: Why not?
BRIAN: So, I hear you met Johnny depp.
VOODOO: Yep.
BRIAN: I'm a big Pirates Of The Caribbean fan. Got my fingers crossed for number five. What, uh... What was he like?
VOODOO: He had on more eye makeup than my mom wears and seven scarves. Seven scarves. And six earrings and he smelled like vanilla. I like men who look and dress and smell like men.
BRIAN: So, uh, I did some reading on asexuality. Did you know that the symbol of asexuality is the grey triangle?
VOODOO: I'm just asexual, Brian. I don't march in parades or anything.
BRIAN: Are there parades?
VOODOO: I don't know. You're the one who did the research.
BRIAN: Right.
[Awkward pause]
BRIAN: I'm actually kind of asexual. I'm celibate.
VOODOO: Oh, you are? For how long?
BRIAN: Since me and my last girlfriend broke up.
VOODOO: Oh, see that's the difference between us. You can't get laid. I don't want to.
BRIAN: Oh, yeah, I'm sure guys are always hitting on you.
VOODOO: No, they don't. I give off a very distinct vibe.
BRIAN: Which is?
VOODOO: Don't hit on me or I will kill you.
BRIAN: Oh, thank God. I was worried that it was just me. Listen, maybe it's... you know, this thing is... Is just a phase.
VOODOO: It isn't just a phase.
BRIAN: Oh, I know you don't think it is. I, for instance, for years and years thought I didn't like olives. Then one day I tried one. Now I think olives are tremendous.
VOODOO: I love olives. [Sniffs] You smell... so bad.
BRIAN: Sorry. Long day on the rig.
VOODOO: No, it's good. I like it.
BRIAN: Yeah?
VOODOO: But I don't like sеx.
BRIAN: Mm.
VOODOO: And do you know what I hate even more than sеx?
BRIAN: Scarves?
VOODOO: Talking about how I don't like it. You seem like a nice guy, Brian. And if you wanna be friends, I'm cool with it. But sеx? Blech. Not gonna happen.
BRIAN: Okay. No sеx. Awesome.
Voodoo opens her door to find Brian standing outside.
BRIAN:Hi.
VOODOO: What are you doing here?
BRIAN: I'm sorry, is this weird?
VOODOO: Yeah.
BRIAN: Good. 'Cause I'm about to make it even weirder.
Brian steps into her apartment and she shuts the door.
BRIAN: You don't wanna have sеx, and that's fine with me. 'Cause I'm not having sеx right now either. You don't like sеx, I happen to love it. From what I remember, it was pretty awesome... for me. I can't really speak for everyone else involved. So forget sеx. I like you. I think you're funny and different and I never know what you're gonna say. And obviously I think you're beautiful. But if we never have sеx, that's okay. 'Cause I'm just happy being around you. So... here.
He presents her with a wooden birdhouse.
VOODOO: A birdhouse?
BRIAN: Look inside.
Voodoo looks inside and sees a severed finger in the birdhouse.
VOODOO: Oh, my God. Is it real?
BRIAN: It belonged to the man who built the birdhouse. And now it belongs to you.
Voodoo takes the finger out of the birdhouse.
VOODOO: Holy shit! This used to be on a person?
BRIAN: Yeah.
VOODOO: Brian... This is one of the absolute nicest things anyone's ever done for me.
BRIAN: If you stare at it long enough it looks like it's beginning to twitch.
Voodoo rubs her face with the severed finger. Brian looks terrified.
VOODOO: Oh, was that too much?
BRIAN: Mm-hmm. A little bit.
VOODOO: A step too far?
BRIAN: A little. Just ease me into it.
VOODOO: Yeah, we can take it slow.
JOHNNY: You know, I've actually given this a lot of thought. Before Theresa and I moved in together, we would have a ton of sеx, and then we'd break up and wouldn't see each other for months. Then we'd get back together and make up for lost time. So if you factor in all the break-ups and the down time, we're having exactly the same amount of sеx we've always had. I actually worked out the calculations. Works out perfectly.
HANK: You know who calculates how much sеx they're having?
JOHNNY: Who?
HANK: People who aren't having sеx.
JOHNNY: Ha-ha.
HANK: People who sit on the couch watching Netflix, eating Ben and Jerry's every single night.
JOHNNY: You're not gonna get to me, 'cause I actually love living with Theresa. For two years, I tried to not do it, and it turns out she was right. It's awesome.
BRIAN: Besides, sеx is overrated. I mean, look at me and Voodoo. We're perfectly happy in our platonic relationship.
The three of them turn a corner and run into Gabby.
GABBY: Oh, just rub it in my face, Brian.
BRIAN: I didn't do that on purpose, Gabby.
GABBY: You could be so much happier with me.
BRIAN: I don't know. I'm pretty happy.
GABBY: Well, give me 48 hours.
HANK: (shocked) Damn!
GABBY: Damn is right, Hank. Damn is right.
JOHNNY: First of all: Holy shit. Second of all: Don't compare me to whatever's going on with you and Voodoo. You're dating an asexual. You literally never have sеx.
BRIAN: Okay, no, we don't have sеx, per Se. But what we do have is actually far more beautiful. In a way, I don't even miss the sеx. Me and Voodoo, we have this intense soul connection that goes far beyond the physical. We... we're operating on a higher plane and just... Gosh, I'm just... I'm mastսrbating all the time. I mean, just... just constantly. It's bad, guys. I mean, I'm not proud of it. I just... I really... I don't know what to do.
HANK: See? Just like I said. People can kid themselves, but there is no substitute for sеx. And that's why I'm the happiest guy on the rig, 'cause I'm having sеx damn near every night.
JOHNNY: I've actually been meaning to talk to you about something, Hank, and you've just given me the perfect opportunity. Do you remember after Jeff the chef's wedding, you said you might be interested in settling down?
HANK: I was emotional. I said a lot of things.
BRIAN: You specifically asked us to call you out if you fell back into a pattern of meaningless hook-ups. Johnny, have you been detecting a pattern?
JOHNNY: I have indeed, my friend.
BRIAN: Yeah.
HANK: Just because you two are having sex-free relationships, don't try to drag me down, too.
JOHNNY: I'm having sеx!
Everyone else in the room turns to look at him awkwardly.
JOHNNY: (awkwardly) It's just more spaced out than it used to be, okay?
BRIAN: Which he likes!
BRIAN: You feel like we operate on, like, a higher plane, right?
VOODOO: Uh, what do you mean?
BRIAN: I don't know.
VOODOO: You mean the fact that we can be intimate with each other without having sеx?
BRIAN: Yes.
VOODOO: If that's what you mean by "operate on a higher plane," then yeah, sure.
BRIAN: Great. So when we're not together, like after I leave, do you just stay on that... that higher plane? Or do you ever slide down to, like, a... a lower plane, like down below, or...
VOODOO: I have no idea what you're talking about.
BRIAN: I love that we operate on a... a metaphysical level, but I also operate on a physical level with myself. Do you do... do you do that? Get physical with your... With yourself?
VOODOO: Are you asking if I mastսrbatе?
BRIAN: Yes, yes I am, because I do it all the time, and I just need to know where you're at with that.
VOODOO: I do sometimes, yeah.
BRIAN: Okay. Okay. Good, because I just needed to kn... I... thank you so much. That makes me feel so much better.
VOODOO: You're welcome. Phew.
[They both laugh awkwardly]
BRIAN: Yeah. Right?
VOODOO: Out of the way.
BRIAN: Oh, done with that convo.
[Long awkward pause]
BRIAN: So what do you think about when you... when you're doing it?
VOODOO: I don't really think about anything. It's just for the physical sensation. And, no, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
BRIAN: Great, great. I... me, neither. I'm... I'm great at it.
BRIAN: You guys, I didn't notice any butts.
JOHNNY: Huh?
BRIAN: Not one.
JOHNNY: You're gonna tell me you didn't check out one girl on that call?
BRIAN: No. Whoa. You guys, I think all this not having sеx with Voo might have done something to me.
HANK: What, you think that dating an asexual made you butt-blind?
BRIAN: I don't know, but something's definitely different.
HANK: You can't change your sexuality.
BRIAN: How do you know, Hank?
Hank sighs, exasperated.
JOHNNY: (to Hank) Just let it... just...
BRIAN: I don't know if it's that I've changed my sexuality, more like transcended it. Yeah, I think that's it. I am a transcendual.
HANK: Okay, what exactly does that mean?
BRIAN: Means that, well, I was born sеxual like you guys, and then I just... I sort of...
He mimes moving up from a lower level to a higher one using his hand.
HANK: (sarcastic) That makes sense.
JOHNNY: (sarcastic) So you... and you just...
Johnny imitates Brian's hand gesture
JOHNNY: (to Hank) See? He came up here, like, above us.
HANK: (sarcastic) Yeah, above us.
BRIAN: And I got to tell you guys, I'm excited. Back when I was sеxual, it was hard to even get through a magazine. Our culture is just constantly assaulting us with attractive people.
JOHNNY: Yeah.
HANK: Thanks, culture.
Cut to outside the hospital.
JOHNNY: Some of these girls aren't even wearing thongs or anything, I'm telling you -
Hank notices Theresa and Billy approaching.
HANK: Oh, shh, shh.
JOHNNY: (to Theresa and Billy) Hey!
THERESA: What up, guys?
BILLY: What's up, y'all?
JOHNNY: Oh, Brian is a transcendual.
BILLY: Oh, that's dope. I didn't know that about you.
THERESA: What?
BILLY: Are you gonna change your name?
HANK: Oh, no, he didn't say transsexual. He said transcendual.
BILLY: I don't know what that is, but that's cool too, man. I got mad respect for self-identification.
JOHNNY: What are you guys doing here?
THERESA: A witness interview for a hit-and-run. What are you guys up to?
BRIAN: We got free lifetime passes to the big gym in Lincoln park.
THERESA: The fancy gym?
JOHNNY: Yeah.
THERESA: No way! Michelle Obama goes to that gym.
BILLY: Mm-hmm, her body is fiiiiine.
THERESA: I have been wanting to go there forever, but it's just so goddamn expensive, so...
JOHNNY: I know. It sucks. And obviously I'd love to work out with my beautiful girlfriend next to me the whole time, but we only got these three passes, and like you said, it's crazy expensive. So it's just one of those things, I guess. Tough break.
BRIAN: She can have mine.
JOHNNY: Hmm?
BRIAN: Yeah, I mean, I don't need it anymore now that I'm transcendual and I don't see hotness.
THERESA: Do you mind explaining this whole transcendual thing?
BILLY: (whispering in her ear) Yo, T, don't ask too many questions. You may say something offensive or stupid.
THERESA: Whatever. Uh, fancy gym... Let's go tonight after work, huh?
JOHNNY: Great.
THERESA: Great. Okay, well, we have to go. But thank you, Brian.
Theresa walks off into the hospital.
JOHNNY: Brian...
BILLY: (hugging Brian) I support you.
BRIAN: Thank you, buddy. That means everything.
BILLY: Yeah, you're everything.
Billy follows Theresa into the hospital.
BRIAN: Solving problems.
HANK: So close. Just saw it and just smashed it. Just smashed it.
JOHNNY: (to Brian) Did you hear anything I said up there?
BRIAN: Oh, what a day. We're off to a good start!
Brian starts hopping towards the ambulance happily, with the other two walking slowly behind him.
JOHNNY: We're off to a shitty start.
HANK: He's hopping.
Cut to the ambulance station. Brian is talking to Voodoo.
BRIAN: You know how you said we could never really be boyfriend-girlfriend because you're asexual and I'm not, and it wouldn't work out in the long term because eventually one or both of us would get hurt?
VOODOO: Yeah, I remember having that conversation several hundred times.
BRIAN: Well, I have some pretty big news. I have transcended my sexuality.
VOODOO: Okay. So you think that you are never gonna want to have sеx again?
BRIAN: Yep.
VOODOO: That it's not something you're ever gonna be thinking about?
BRIAN: Correct.
VOODOO: Great.
Voodoo leads him into the office where the others are taking a break.
VOODOO: Strip club! We're going to the strip club! Who's in?
Brian looks shocked.
Brian and Voodoo are eating at a diner. Brian takes a long drink of water.
BRIAN: Ahh. Nothing tastes as good as free. Do you realize that our whole meal is half the price of one stripper water with lemon?
VOODOO: (unenthusiastic) Cool.
BRIAN: What's wrong, V.D.?
VOODOO: Brian, I told you, that is a terrible nickname.
BRIAN: Sorry, Voo-Voo.
VOODOO: You do know that Voodoo is already a nickname, right?
BRIAN: I thought you'd be happier. Now that I've proven that I'm not sеxual anymore, we can officially be boyfriend-girlfriend.
VOODOO: Brian, you didn't prove anything.
BRIAN: I didn't get turned on at the strip club.
VOODOO: 'Cause you're cheap, not 'cause you're asexual.
BRIAN: Transcendual.
VOODOO: This sucks. I like you a lot. And you clearly like me enough to believe that you could actually change something very major about yourself for me.
BRIAN: I know that you don't believe me, but I think I really did change.
VOODOO: Okay, I didn't want to do this. And know that this means absolutely nothing for me, But...
She takes off one shoe and runs her foot up his leg.
VOODOO: How you feeling over there?
BRIAN: Feeling pretty transcendual.
VOODOO: What's your phone number?
BRIAN: Um, 312-4...
VOODOO: No.
BRIAN: 6? you know, this really isn't fair because cellular technology has made remembering phone numbers a skill of the past. This mean that we're breaking up?
VOODOO: It means we're not going down the road where we break up eventually.
BRIAN: So we can't hang out and talk anymore?
VOODOO: We can still hang out and talk.
BRIAN: But we can't go to movies together anymore?
VOODOO: I mean, I still like movies.
BRIAN: But we can't not have sеx after the movie anymore?
VOODOO: We will still not be having sеx.
BRIAN: So what, I'm just supposed to be your friend and do all the things that we love to do together? Instead of being celibate with you, I'm just supposed to go off and have sеx with other women?
VOODOO: Yeah, that's the basic summary.
BRIAN: Oh.
WAITRESS: Here's the check. And a two-for-one coupon for the coffees. I'm not supposed to give them out, but I just can't stand to see anybody miss out on a bargain.
BRIAN: Thank you. I'm the same way.
WAITRESS: Just, um, don't tell my boss.
Brian is obviously checking her out. The waitress walks away.
BRIAN: (to Voodoo) Sorry.
VOODOO: Don't be, she's cute. You should go ask for her number.
BRIAN: Really?
VOODOO: Yeah. And she seems like a cheap date.
BRIAN: I just feel really weird, Voo. I'll just go pay. And maybe I will thank her for the coupon if that is okay.
VOODOO: Yeah, of course. Go.
Brian gets up and heads over to the waitress.
BRIAN: Hey, thank you so much for this.
Brian and the waitress talk indistinctly. He turns to Voodoo, who gives him a thumbs-up. He gives her one back. Voodoo turns away back to the table and looks upset.
BRIAN: Well, I can definitely see hotness again.
JOHNNY: Welcome back, Brian. Sorry about Voodoo, though.
BRIAN: I think it'll be a while before I'm ready to love again, but I am ready to look again.
JOHNNY: Brian, I know that you like getting positive feedback, and you know that I hate giving it, so this is gonna be a one-time thing. You have really been stepping up your game lately.
BRIAN: It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.
JOHNNY: You okay, bud?
BRIAN: Nope, not at all. Voodoo started seeing someone else.
HANK: Really?
BRIAN: Some dude named Doug. She met him on one of those asexual message boards.
HANK: Asexual message boards? That shit exists?
BRIAN: I mean, I knew logically that we weren't gonna last, but it just... it still hurts. That Voodoo put a spell on me. Who could have seen that coming?
JOHNNY: Oh, left field, all the way.
BRIAN: Ohh. Now I got to change her ringtone.
HANK: Dude, you're not dividing assets in a divorce. You can keep the ringtone.
JOHNNY: If you think about it, nothing's really changed. You're still friends. You're still not having sеx.
BRIAN: Yeah, but I'm not the person she's not having sеx with. She's out there not having sеx with someone else. Not not me, not him.
HANK: Brian, you've really got it pretty good here.
JOHNNY: Yes.
HANK: I mean, the hardest part about a breakup is imagining your ex getting it on with someone else.
JOHNNY: Yes, it's pretty much the only thing you're thinking about.
HANK: Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that because you already know the answer.
JOHNNY: (overlapping) Come on. Yeah.
HANK: She's having sеx with no one.
JOHNNY: Nobody!
HANK: Ever!
JOHNNY: Ever!
BRIAN: Everything's different now. I called her last night to see if she wanted to see a movie. She had already seen it with Doug.
Hank sighs
BRIAN: She knows that Nic Cage dramas are our thing.
HANK: You're right. That is way worse than imagining the love of your life sweatily entangled with another man making wet spots on silk sheets illuminated by sеx candles.
JOHNNY: Sеx candles?
HANK: Yeah, sеx candles.
JONNY: Is that a... is that a thing? Should I be buying sеx candles now?
HANK: Look at me. Look at me. Yes.
DISPATCHER: (over radio) Ambulance needed, 274 Northwood, reported heart attack.
HANK: Ambulance 14 responding.
BRIAN: Okay, guys, which would bother you more, if you walked in on your significant other having sеx with someone else or saw them walking on the beach, holding hands, clearly and deeply in love?
JOHNNY: Is that a real question? sеx.
HANK: Always sеx.
BRIAN: Well, guys, I'm on that beach right now, and let me tell you, it hurts. It hurts bad.
Johnny looks incredulous.